First of all, I just couldn't wait to share my feelings with you (whoever that is), no matter how bitter or sweet these feelings might just sound. I didn’t really choose my timing, that is, I suddenly felt that the author's block that took a grip of my mind for the past two years has unexpectedly dissolved. And so here I am, bear with me and as you read on you will discover that a part of every single one of you is represented here.
For the past very few decades of my life (Three, as I am turning 30 soon, though I really feel 21), I have been a firm believer that life is a bunch of choices, which consequently makes smart people ultimate winners. I also used to think of myself as one of 'em smart ones that are in control of their destinies. But, and for some reason, I am led to believe that I am not totally in control of everything I choose and that –as they say- the road is my driver, not the other way around.
This epiphany came to me one (guess it was an insignificant Tuesday) evening for many reasons that are hard to enumerate in a single written piece, but you might deduce from the overall content of the Blog Spot. I never really in my life liked to think of myself as a loser, and never knew how to feel "cool" about failure. Everything to me was mathematical equations that were well calculated.
It is the same feeling that you get when you go for a dress that is your style, your color, and your size- it just has got to be the right dress for you. But when you go home and someone just throws a killing remark such as "it just doesn't look right on you", you immediately start thinking "where did I go wrong? Was it the fabric? Was it the brand???" anything but tell yourself that in spite of the fact that "mathematically speaking" it is "your dress", it might simply be a wrong choice for reasons that might just be "beyond your comprehension". ' But no, we don't like to think that anything is beyond our comprehension. We are the ones that choose what is good for us and what is not.
Well, the dress might have been a very silly metaphorical simplification, but really go beyond the dress to a job that is well-paid, in line with your past experience, prestigious, and with decent office hours… but for a, again, "beyond comprehension" reason, it is not as interesting as you thought it would be. Call me crazy but this is how I felt about every single job I ever occupied, including my current one. No matter how excited I am about a new post, and no matter how much I think that this will be "the one", it never satisfies my thirst for achievement. Some people thought that maybe the problem lies in me; I am the one who'd always placed my expectations above "normal standards"… But what are those? Are they written in some manual? "The normal standards and expectations in life" by Mr./Ms. Knows-it-all?
Well, come to think of it, maybe, but I am sick and tired of being the one to blame for the failure of most of my plans. There must be (and there are) other reasons that contribute to this series of unfortunate events in my life that have led me to write whatever I am writing now. Maybe I am too emotional, not-so-emotional, rational, irrational… I don’t know how to think of myself anymore. I am a very changing person as time goes by. Whatever traits were in me 10 years ago are just not here anymore as I am writing this down.
"You grew up that's all" is the recurrent "already-tailored" explanation of my mom who always thought that not facing yourself with your regrets was a good way for moving on. This epiphany, and as you will read over the coming few pages, is not just to reassess where I stand with the love and career matters, but also to see if I can by going through my past rediscover where I stand in life as a whole now and kind of foresee where I am going from hitherto. I wonder if I was the one who set all my priorities in life or was it society (meaning by that my family, friends, school, work colleagues, etc..). Sometimes it is really hard to see the thin red line, isn't it?
For the past very few decades of my life (Three, as I am turning 30 soon, though I really feel 21), I have been a firm believer that life is a bunch of choices, which consequently makes smart people ultimate winners. I also used to think of myself as one of 'em smart ones that are in control of their destinies. But, and for some reason, I am led to believe that I am not totally in control of everything I choose and that –as they say- the road is my driver, not the other way around.
This epiphany came to me one (guess it was an insignificant Tuesday) evening for many reasons that are hard to enumerate in a single written piece, but you might deduce from the overall content of the Blog Spot. I never really in my life liked to think of myself as a loser, and never knew how to feel "cool" about failure. Everything to me was mathematical equations that were well calculated.
It is the same feeling that you get when you go for a dress that is your style, your color, and your size- it just has got to be the right dress for you. But when you go home and someone just throws a killing remark such as "it just doesn't look right on you", you immediately start thinking "where did I go wrong? Was it the fabric? Was it the brand???" anything but tell yourself that in spite of the fact that "mathematically speaking" it is "your dress", it might simply be a wrong choice for reasons that might just be "beyond your comprehension". ' But no, we don't like to think that anything is beyond our comprehension. We are the ones that choose what is good for us and what is not.
Well, the dress might have been a very silly metaphorical simplification, but really go beyond the dress to a job that is well-paid, in line with your past experience, prestigious, and with decent office hours… but for a, again, "beyond comprehension" reason, it is not as interesting as you thought it would be. Call me crazy but this is how I felt about every single job I ever occupied, including my current one. No matter how excited I am about a new post, and no matter how much I think that this will be "the one", it never satisfies my thirst for achievement. Some people thought that maybe the problem lies in me; I am the one who'd always placed my expectations above "normal standards"… But what are those? Are they written in some manual? "The normal standards and expectations in life" by Mr./Ms. Knows-it-all?
Well, come to think of it, maybe, but I am sick and tired of being the one to blame for the failure of most of my plans. There must be (and there are) other reasons that contribute to this series of unfortunate events in my life that have led me to write whatever I am writing now. Maybe I am too emotional, not-so-emotional, rational, irrational… I don’t know how to think of myself anymore. I am a very changing person as time goes by. Whatever traits were in me 10 years ago are just not here anymore as I am writing this down.
"You grew up that's all" is the recurrent "already-tailored" explanation of my mom who always thought that not facing yourself with your regrets was a good way for moving on. This epiphany, and as you will read over the coming few pages, is not just to reassess where I stand with the love and career matters, but also to see if I can by going through my past rediscover where I stand in life as a whole now and kind of foresee where I am going from hitherto. I wonder if I was the one who set all my priorities in life or was it society (meaning by that my family, friends, school, work colleagues, etc..). Sometimes it is really hard to see the thin red line, isn't it?
no way! I was just having this talk inside my mind today! in these days um so preoccupied by these questions and lack of passion and motivation towards work and stuff this deserves a real cup of coffee to talk on ya rania...an electronic cup of coffee is never warm enough!
ReplyDelete